Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
