I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
