I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
