low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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