saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
