Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i think i have herpe
just one?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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