Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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