For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
