I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
