Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
