who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
