so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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