I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
