Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
