I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
