I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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