Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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