Already got asked if we're dating
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize