Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
