Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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