i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
