I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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