I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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