You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
