She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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