please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
