So drunk, too bad you don't want this
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
