There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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