You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
