hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
