turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
