it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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