i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
