Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
