we have pet lesbian snakes
I smell stomach acid.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
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