did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
