I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
