Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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