Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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