my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
