Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
