Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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