He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
