when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
