with your own penis?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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