At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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