I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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