If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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