I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
