I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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