So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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