Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i think i have two assholes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
