Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
