Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
