There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
