he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
