I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Congratulations! We have a period
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